Brace yourself darling. More distance could be on the horizon this time next year.
If you leave, if they leave, it could be a repeat of this time last year. Remember
the hours of bawling your eyes out? Remember the moment it hit you that life as
you know it could now be over? Remember the moments you tried to ease the
gaping hole in your heart with a drink or a show? Remember telling yourself to
trust them because you had never been given a reason not to? I just don't know.
I don't know how I'm going to steel myself for impact this time. It was hard
enough the first time I had the realization I would be leaving comfort behind for
something completely unknown. I said goodbye to happiness, to one of the best
friends I have ever had. To spread my wings, at least to try. "What's left to catch
but the fear of letting go?" It's going to be in ink.

I hate to admit this, but I'm terrified. I know that distance won't make me lose
them. I have already seen that. Gone down that road. The first time really did take
a chip off my heart. It's healing now... just in time to realize that there is
something here to leave behind. Damnit. I just, didn't want it to mean this much to
me. Makes me wish that I didn't love them this much but I won't push them away.
That isn't fair, to them, me, or anyone. Self handicapping.

I can do this. I have done it. But I'm pretty sure that does very little to take the
edge off of the pain here. The idea of adjusting to the new place NY had in my
life... the new ways to keep in touch. Miss. Love. Reevaluate. Look forward to
seeing. But, what about looking forward to seeing? I haven't seen GA's trees and
felt their hugs for a long time now. I feel some people slowly slipping away. But
not all of them. It seems wherever I go I have something to miss. I am missed. I
am not used to that.

Be brave, because you have no other choice. "I won't quit until I know that I truly
tried. Will we be there in the end or will this leave me wide open?"

i hate it when you realize an old issue is coming back
not in full force
but certainly on the path
about to reach out
and knock on your door

and now it's like a call to take action....

but what action will suffice?
is it as William James said,
act like who you want to be and you will become that?
or,
is it more along the lines of
make some clean breaks?